I Won’t Lose You

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I look out my window and see you standing there, all forlorn in your red jacket and shoes.  My heart breaks into a million pieces as you look around lost in another world.

I’m helpless to fix you. I wish I could take you in my arms, hold you tight and make the pain go away.

Memories of things said in haste flood my mind; things I wish I could unsay because I didn’t know. I didn’t know you couldn’t always help it; I didn’t know how bad you were hurting.

How we were all hurting.   Walking around in a fog trying to make sense of the new normal.  In many ways we are all ill – it has changed us.  We dig deep trying to find answers; trying to hold onto hope, but failing in so many ways.

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I don’t want you to leave before you go.  I want you full and present while your’re still with us.  I know it’s not about me, it’s not about any of us really.

We’re the burden bearers reaching out to you to offer comfort, accepting the reality that it’s never enough.  I stifle screams for mercy and laugh with you over whimsy and words that have no meaning.

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The laughter is the mask that helps us live, otherwise we’d cry tears unto death.  We won’t give in without fighting.  I won’t lose you.  You are still you.,

I wait for a glimmer of your essence and thank God for you..I blink away tears as I watch you walk away and I pray for mercy, strength and peace.

Later, I’ll cry those tears and hope they wash everything new again.

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Hoping in grace,

Teresa

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postscript:  a few years ago my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimers.  It has been a long painful journey, but it has also had pockets of joy and gifts.  I don’t write about it much because it is so painful.  I have begun to realize that in the writing, a bit of understanding and healing lurks in the words, so today I shared some recent thoughts.  I didn’t do much editing, letting the words speak for themselves they way they were felt.  

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15 thoughts on “I Won’t Lose You

  1. Oh, your words spoke to my heart so eloquently. I lost both my MIL and FIL to Alzheimers well before we lost them altogether. I can’t imagine having it be my mother. In my case, the only blessing was that my FIL never realized my husband (his only son) had died and my MIL soon lived in a world where he was alive and healthy. So much better for her because the loss of him nearly broke her. Your heart is beautiful as are your words. You and your family will be in my prayers.

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  2. Teresa, though i have not walked this journey (yet) and i can’t fully understand the pain of it, your words convict and encourage me to love better. to love well. the friend who betrayed me, the daughter who pushes back against me. i am so sorry for the losses upon losses you face each day with your mom while she is here, and so thankful for your real and courageous words of love that bears, believes, endures, and hopes….all things. so powerful, thank you for writing.

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  3. my husband’s mother went through that valley so I’m hearing a bit of what you’re saying, Teresa.

    your words, your photos, your heart honors your mom in this season.

    may His grace be enough for each difficult moment …

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  4. What beautiful words, Teresa! I am so glad you decided to share this post of memories…it IS hard to remember a loved one who used to be so vibrant and fun-loving and “here”! And it IS hard to share…so happy you did!

    Look forward to reading more of your memories!

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