Alzheimer’s

Come Away

~ Teresa ~ 1 Comment

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Today has been a quiet, rest day as most Monday’s are.  Several years ago when I was still working public work, the company I worked for moved us to four day weeks and my day off was Monday.  So, I developed a habit of Monday being my chill day.  We eventually went back to five days, but now that I’m no longer working I’ve once again made Monday my day to catch up on rest.

My husband is in ministry so Sunday’s are very busy days for us and not the sabbath rest so sorely needed. I’m usually exhausted after the weekend, so Monday to the rescue. In the spirit of resting, I’ve laid aside some of the deep thinking and sorting for later.  I have a list of things I want to share with you.  Some things I’ve made notes about, but the time for sharing is not yet. I’m living this in real time, so I have to respect each day as it comes.

After committing to the thirty-one-day writing challenge, A Journey Through Grief, I am more convinced than ever that it was the right thing to do. The writing I have shared and some that I have not shared yet has been therapeutic.  Writing down my thoughts helps me see a clearer picture of where things stand. It helps me gauge how I’m doing.

Talking to people is also therapeutic and last night my writer’s group at church gave me a safe place to pour out my heart.  It reaffirmed some of the writing and helped me put things in perspective. It was a safe place to share some of my deepest grief.  I can’t urge you enough to find a safe person or group to share your grief with.  We thrive so much better in community than we do alone.

My first instinct is always to close the door, curl up in the fetal position and hide under the covers and for a time that might work.  But not for the long haul.  For the long haul, we need friends who support us and will come along beside us.  They don’t have to fix us or make us understand, that is not their job. Their job is to listen when needed and give hugs when necessary.  I’ve been blessed with friends who have done just that.  Sometimes in person, sometimes via text or phone conversation and always through their prayers. And most recently, you dear reader have let me know you hear me and that has made me glad to share with you. I hope my sharing has been a service to you and helped you in some way.

Hoping that Monday has been kind to you and that you too find time during the week to rest and allow your soul to be filled with His peace.

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Grace for the journey,

Teresa

 

Come back tomorrow for more of the journey?  Just a reminder that I usually post later in the day. Clicking on the ladybug graphic will take you to the first page in this series with links to the daily posts. Thanks for reading!

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I Won’t Lose You

~ Teresa ~ 3 Comments

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. Psalm 30:5b

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From the archives – September 21, 2015

I look out my window and see you standing there, all forlorn in your red jacket and shoes.  My heart breaks into a million pieces as you look around lost in another world.

I’m helpless to fix you. I wish I could take you in my arms, hold you tight and make the pain go away.

Memories of things said in haste flood my mind; things I wish I could unsay because I didn’t know. I didn’t know you couldn’t always help it; I didn’t know how bad you were hurting.

How we were all hurting.   Walking around in a fog trying to make sense of the new normal.  In many ways we are all ill – it has changed us.  We dig deep trying to find answers; trying to hold onto hope, but failing in so many ways.

I don’t want you to leave before you go.  I want you full and present while you’re still with us.  I know it’s not about me, it’s not about any of us really.

We’re the burden bearers reaching out to you to offer comfort, accepting the reality that it’s never enough.  I stifle screams for mercy and laugh with you over whimsy and words that have no meaning.

The laughter is the mask that helps us live, otherwise, we’d cry tears unto death.  We won’t give in without fighting.  I won’t lose you.  You are still you.,

I wait for a glimmer of your essence and thank God for you. I blink away tears as I watch you walk away and I pray for mercy, strength, and peace.

Later, I’ll cry those tears and hope they wash everything new again.

 

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I came across the above words from the blog archives last night as I was planning ahead for today’s post:

Journal – October 5, 2018

I still remember the day I looked out my window and saw Mom standing on the sidewalk beside her house.  She had on her favorite denim dress, red canvas, shoes and a red jacket.  Red was always one of her colors. I will never forget how she was standing there, staring across the yard.  She seemed so defenseless and I just wanted to run to her, hug her close and tell her everything would be alright. That memory still breaks my heart.

One thing that stands out to me was the resolve not to lose her.  It didn’t matter if she was losing memories, I would remember for both of us.  I told her on several occasions that she didn’t have to worry about what she couldn’t remember because I’d remember for her. And many times I did just that. She’d ask questions about people or events and I’d give her the answers. As many times as it took.

Another way that I held on to not losing her was humor.  She could still say things to make me laugh.  At times in the middle of a conversation, she would come out with a one-liner that hit the nail on the head that made us all take notice.  She loved to tease people and make them smile.

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Mom as a teenager teasing one of her nephews.

As devastating as Alzheimer’s is I’m convinced that if we hold on tight it can never truly take away the essence of a person.  Mom’s personality still shone through and for that, I am eternally grateful.

I’m starting to realize that even though she is gone now I can never truly lose her. She will always live in my heart and my memories. Maybe you can relate.

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I hope you don’t mind my sharing from the archives. Yesterday’s post was draining and in preparing for today’s I couldn’t find direction until I came across this old post and it somehow seemed like the right time to share it again.  Memoires are an important part of the grieving process.

Grace for the journey,

Teresa

 

Come back MONDAY for more of the journey? I don’t plan to post on Sunday’s. Just a reminder that I usually post later in the day. Clicking on the ladybug graphic will take you to the first page in this series with links to the daily posts. Thanks for reading!

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Heaven Is Sounding Sweeter

~ Teresa ~ 4 Comments

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent. Lord my God, I will praise you forever. Psalm 30: 11-12 NIV

 

Journal – Around August 23:

I love you, Mama. You were a beautiful woman.  It was a privilege and honor to be your daughter.  So many things on my heart to say but I don’t know where to start.

You were there when I took my first breath and I was there when you took your last. Thank you for allowing me to be there in your last moment.

We were two peas in a pod you and I and I don’t know how I’m going to do life without you.  I think of so many things that I wish could have been done differently but I know you wouldn’t want me to have regrets. You’d want me to remember the good times and smile about them and think of you being happy.  You were happy much of the time.  You had been singing a lot the weeks before you passed.  And, even up to the last you held onto your sense of humor teasing us and making us laugh.

You were my confidant so many times and I was yours.  Everything just feels a little different now. I know God is with me and he understands my hurt.  I know I will feel his peace again and that he will help me say goodbye to what was and accept what is.

I love you so much, Mama. I wasn’t ready to let you go but I am happy for you because I know you are not suffering anymore.  Your mind is clear again and your bones are healed.  You are dancing on the streets of Gold.  I told you when I arrived on Saturday that we were going to dance. We never got to dance, but I’m sure Jesus is a better dance partner than me.

I’m sure you are busy catching up with everybody and telling Jesus how much you love him. You never lost your faith in him. Wait for me, Mama because I will see you again one day.  I truly understand now why people say heaven is sounding sweeter all the time.

Goodnight mama, thanks for everything. I will never forget you and I will always hold you close in my heart my sweet Ladybug.

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I believe the night I wrote the above entry was the night that I listened to Elvis hymns on my phone.  I used to sing songs to my mom at night and sometimes we’d listen to Elvis sing Peace in the Valley. One night after her death I couldn’t sleep, so I listened to Elvis until I was ready to sleep. Music is a wonderful way to remember someone and it can be therapeutic in the grief process.

Grace for the journey,

Teresa

Come back tomorrow for more of the journey?  Just a reminder that I usually post later in the day. Clicking on the ladybug graphic will take you to the first page in this series with links to the daily posts. Thanks for reading!

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Too Soon to Share

~ Teresa ~ 1 Comment

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 31:18

Journal – Sometime in mid to late August after losing my mom:

Grief is a funny thing. People deal with it in myriad ways. I suppose there is no right or wrong way. Right now my grief is new.  I take it out every now and then and look at it much like I would a shiny trinket or bauble that someone has given me that I don’t know quite what to do with yet.  I’m still figuring out how to process grief.

It’s not that I haven’t experienced grief before – I have, but you see, I’ve lost my mother and it’s a whole different wave of feeling.  I don’t know how to live with it yet. And, it’s too soon to share it with others.

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When I wrote those words it was after a rough couple of weeks, one in hospice and one preparing for burial.  I was still surrounded by people.  But then everyone went home.  I stayed with my Dad for a while and it was just the two of us left in the house.  I remember the Saturday that My husband, My sister and her friends left; the house felt so lonely.  The fact that Mom was no longer there was palpable and I could hardly stand it.

My Dad felt it too and so we did what we knew to do.  We took dishes back to people who had dropped off food and then we stopped by the cemetery. Each day after that for the first week we kept busy running errands and taking care of business.  In the doing, we were able to process slowly.

At night I’d go up to my room and read or catch up on social media because it hurt too much to think. I kept telling God that I knew he was with me and that he understood, I just didn’t understand yet. I had too many questions and too much hurt to let the floodgates open – I didn’t dare, but I knew that it would come eventually.

Grace for the journey,

Teresa

Come back tomorrow for more of the journey?  Just a reminder that I usually post later in the day. Clicking on the ladybug graphic will take you to the first page in this series with links to the daily posts. Thanks for reading!

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Write 31 Days – A Journey Through Grief

~ Teresa ~ 15 Comments

There is a table of contents at the bottom of this post for the #write31days challenge.

For the month of October, there will be a group of bloggers writing feverishly for the whole month (most days) and sharing thoughts with you on multiple topics.  It is called Write 31 Days.

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I’ve decided to take you on my journey of processing grief after losing my mother on August 13 of this year.  The grief is still raw and I don’t know how this journey will progress.  Some of the things I share with you will be notes and thoughts I kept on an app on my phone so that I could capture my thoughts about losing her while they were fresh. Those will be shared with minimal editing so that you can have a sense of my thought process.  Others will be current real-time thoughts as they happen to come along from day to day. There will also be memories because I am finding that the memories are an important step in navigating grief. I will also share scriptures that I find helpful in my journey. It won’t be strictly chronological but I think you’ll be able to follow my wandering.

One important thing to know.  I’m not sharing this to be sentimental or emotional, although there will be elements of that I’m sure.  I’m not sharing because I want people to constantly tell me how sorry they are.  I assume if you are a decent person, then on some level, you are sorry that I have lost someone I love. Many people have been more than kind with prayers, cards, and thoughts.   But rather I am sharing because writing is the only way I know to get my thoughts out of my head so that I can understand how I’m moving forward.  Since this is a journey I need to take I thought maybe you’d allow me to share it with you and maybe it will be helpful to you as well.

If you want to engage in conversation in the comments you are more than welcome to do so.  I’d love to hear how you process grief.  And, just as a final thought, I don’t consider grief to be all tears and downturned faces.  There are also moments of laughter, hope, and joy that my sweet Mama is now in the arms of Jesus. Hopefully, you will see elements of all that in the writing.

My hope is that it will speak to you and that someday hence it will not become a regret that I shared too much or allowed you to see the raw, tender places in the depths of my heart.

This post is day one and each day I will share a link below to the newest post.  Each daily post will give you a date or an approximate date that it was written just so you have somewhat of a timeline.

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I have more stories and memories to share on the blog so I hope you continue to check back. Thanks for reading!

Grace for the Journey,

Teresa